


Can't Help Who You Love

by StormyBear30



Series: The Can't Help Who You Love Series [1]
Category: 30 Seconds to Mars, Actor RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-22
Updated: 2011-03-22
Packaged: 2017-10-17 05:27:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/173399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shannon realizes that he can't help how he falls in love with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Help Who You Love

“What the fuck is your problem man?” Jared growled as he watched his band mate pace almost nervously before him. “We’ve been here an hour and all you’ve managed to do is walk a hole in the fucking floor”

“Yeah Tomo…you’ve been awfully agitated since we got here. Everything ok” Shannon asked in concern as he stepped in front of the guitarist, placing his hand upon his shoulder.

“I don’t know…something’s wrong. I can’t explain it. Something bad is going to happen…I can just feel it” He replied in frustration as he fell into a nearby chair, his cell phone going off at that very moment. Pulling it out of its holster all Tomo could do was stare at it as the word Majka (Mother) flashing before him. “I can’t answer it” He fought for breath, his heart beating so quickly within his chest that he felt light headed and ready to pass out. “Shannon…” He handed the phone to the man sitting concerned beside him.

“Hello…” Shannon spoke into the phone, his eyes locked on Tomo’s. “I’m sorry Mrs. Milicevic he’s stepped out for a bit” He lied, his own hands shaking at the obvious pain coming across in his mother’s voice. “Yes…I’ll tell him and I am so sorry”

“Wh…what is it?” He asked fearfully, tears threatening him as he waited for Shannon to respond.

Shannon took a deep breath before he spoke, locking eyes with those of Jared’s across the room in hopes of gathering strength for the devastating new he was about to share with his friend. With another deep breath he took Tomo’s shaking hand into his own before speaking. “I’m so sorry Tomo…but your father had a massive stroke earlier this afternoon and passed away about an hour ago”

The room around Tomo began to spin uncontrollably as he lost control of all his senses, except his sense of touch as Shannon continued to hold his hand, seeming to keep him planted within the realm of reality.

“I’ll call the airlines and make the necessary reservations” Matt piped up, rushing towards the phone located across the room.

“I’ll call the suits and tell them that we have to postpone several of the shows so we can be there for the funeral” Jared spoke next, jerking his cell phone out of his pocket as he scanned through his list of numbers. “Shannon…it’s your job to take care of him” Jared pointed at his brother, turning away at the voice he heard on the other end of the line.

“Tomo…” Shannon said his name softly as he continued to hold his hand, feeling more helpless then ever before as the man continued to sit beside him with no real emotion upon his face.

“It’s not true Shannon…right?” Tomo asked, locking eyes with the drummer. “It’s not true…it can’t be true” He spoke with more force behind his words praying that it would make it seem less real, make it all go away but he knew it wouldn’t. “It can’t be true” Tears began to glisten within his eyes as slowly the reality of the situation began to trickle in. “I just talked to him this morning to tell him all about our new tour. We were laughing and joking about the fact that I didn’t turn into a deadbeat musician like he feared I would. We made plans for the summer. Jesus Shannon…he’s gone. He’s really gone” It wasn’t a question anymore as Tomo allowed Shannon to engulf him within his strong arms before completely falling apart.

Shannon didn’t say a word as he continued to hold Tomo tightly to his own heaving chest, watching Jared over Tomo’s shoulder as he appeared to be arguing with whoever was on the line. “Come on man…let’s go upstairs and lay down for a bit. Jared and Matt will take care of the particulars” He spoke as he pushed himself slowly away from the guitarist, only to wrap his arm securely around his shoulder once he had assisted him off of the couch. Slowly they made their way to the room Tomo always slept in whenever he stayed with the brothers Leto. Gently Shannon removed his clothing, lying him down under the comforter once he had. “Just rest” He whispered against Tomo’s ear before ghosting a soft kiss upon his wet cheek. “I’ll go and see what Matt and Jared and planned and then I will check back on you”

“Shannon …” Tomo spoke in a quiet tone, sitting up as he held out his hands towards him. “Please don’t leave” It broke Shannon’s heart to hear just how scared and broken his friend was as he did as Tomo asked and laid down beside him. Tomo flew into his arms before he even had a chance to lie down, closing his eyes as he relished the warmth and the love that only Shannon could give him.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but at Tomo’s shallow breathing he found that it was long enough for the younger man to fall asleep or so he thought as dark chocolate eyes looked up at him, so full of pain that his breath caught. He watched as Tomo slowly pulled away from his warmth, planting his hands on either side of his body before sliding himself on top of him fully. “Tomo…what are you doing?” Shannon asked, not needing an answer as Tomo leaned forward and covered his mouth with his own. He wanted to fight it, really he did, but he found that he could not. It had been like that for many years prior where Tomo would come to him in times of need and upset and without a single word beg Shannon to let him fuck him. He didn’t know what kind of comfort it brought to his friend and the man that he loved in secret, but he hoped that it helped in part just a little bit, because afterward he acted as if nothing had happened between the two of them. Shannon often wondered how it was that he could pretend so easily when with each encounter it tore at his heart, breaking it more and more with each act.

This particular fucking was hard and near brutal as Tomo pounded into him with such force that he had to curb the urge to cry out in pain. Bites and bruises were left where the naked eye could not see, but he didn’t have to see them to know that they were there. Afterwards as he fell spent and exhausted, a cry enough to wake the dead echoing around them, Shannon tried to figure out just why he allowed it to happen each time. He coming up with the same answer as the last time and the time before that in that he loved Tomo and would whatever possible; including breaking his heart time after time be there for him if he meant that it brought at least brought him any sort of comfort.

“Not again…” Jared sighed softly at the cry he and Matt heard as they sat alone in the living room after all the calls had been made. “Why does Shannon allow Tomo to do that to him time after time?” He asked the question he already knew the answer to; frustrated beyond belief at the amount of pain he knew Tomo was dealing with as well as the pain his brother was dealing with because of it.

“Jared…” Matt spoke softly, laying his hand upon the clearly agitated mans arm.

“Matt…don’t” Jared brushed him off as he got up off of the couch and walked over towards the fireplace. “Shouldn’t you be getting home to Libby” He turned to face Matt who was looking up at him with a grime look upon his face.

“I think that I am needed here more” He responded with a sigh as he got up and walked over towards Jared. “Why do you keep pushing me away Jared?” He asked once he stood before him.

“You know why” He said, not looking up at Matt as he found fascination with his feet and the floor.

“Why…because I married Libby?” Matt questioned, not even trying to hide his irritation.

“Matt….please” Jared sighed as he looked up at the man finally. “I can’t go through this again with you…not now with all this shit that Tomo is going through. Just go home. I’m sure Libby is wondering where you are”

“Fine…whatever…” Matt ground out as he headed for the front door, turning back in anger before he reached it. “You know what Jared…you pushed me away first” He reminded. “You made this decision for the two of us and now you’ve been making me pay for it ever since. That’s not fair Jared. You wanted me to move on and I did and now because of it you act as if you hate me. Do you hate me Jared?” The question lingered in the air for several minutes before Matt shot the singer a pained and hurt look at his lack of response before storming out the front door.

Raised voices caught Shannon’s attention as he shifted as quietly and as carefully as he could away from Tomo. His back and his back end screaming out in pain. With a grunted groan he slid off of the bed, picking up his clothing and putting them on as he headed for the bedroom door. “Jesus Jared…” He cried out as he opened the door and found his younger brother standing there before it. “He’s asleep…” He indicated towards Tomo with his head as he pushed him into the hallway.

“Yeah I bet he is…” Jared bit out, not trying to hide his upset from his brother, but keeping his voice down just the same.

“Don’t start” Shannon cut him off before he could say another word, walking towards the hallway closet in search of some pain relief.

“Why do you keep letting him do that to you? Why do you let him fuck you like a crazed man each time that his life gets somewhat out of control?” He followed Shannon, refusing to drop his line of questioning. “Jesus Shannon…why?”

“You know why” Shannon sneered evilly as he turned to face his brother, fists clenched in full frustration at the situation and his line of questioning. “Why do you keep treating Matt as if he is to blame for your stupidity and don’t tell me that you didn’t just have it out again because of it…because I heard it all”

Jared went quiet for a moment as he fought a bitter battle to explode right there where they stood, opting to let Shannon’s comments go as he turned into leader mode again. “I’ve booked four first class reservations for tomorrow afternoon and I’ve got a car coming to pick us up here a few hours before hand. Matt and Libby will meet us up here before that. I figure either you and I can run over to his place once he wakes up to retrieve anything that he might need before we leave. I called Tomo’s parents house and got all the information we need. The funerals going to be in three days and we each have a room set up in a hotel since we don’t want to be in the way of the family during this time”

“Four? Why only four?” Shannon asked Jared in confusion. “You can’t exclude Libby in this Jared…Matt would kill you”

My movie opens day after tomorrow and as much as I tried and argued I can’t get out of it. I’m contracted and as much as I hate being told what to do by the fucking suits…I don’t like being sued either” He ground out through clenched teeth as he recalled the battle he had had earlier with his manager. “I’ll fly out as soon as it’s over and should be there in enough time for the funeral”

“I’m sure that Tomo and his family would understand if you couldn’t make it Jared” Shannon assured softly, reaching out to his brother, only to have it fall short as he stepped back from his touch.

“I wouldn’t understand. Tomo’s my friend and like family…there is no way that I wouldn’t be there for him in his time of need” Jared spoke with force and truth behind his words.

“And now you know why I allow him to come to me each time that he needs me Jared” Shannon replied softly, his eyes pleading with Jared to back off and understand.

“It’s not the same Shannon and you know it” He heard Jared reply as he pulled him into his arms, knowing that the battle at least for now was over. Shannon didn’t bother to reply as he allowed his brothers love to surround him, filling him with the strength that he knew he would need to get through the next few days with Tomo.

As expected the next day Tomo acted as if nothing had happened between him and Shannon, taking it a step further by not even speaking a word to him during the entire flight. Instead he only conversed with Matt, who tried desperately to bring Shannon into the conversation any way that he could. For what felt like the millionth time since he had admitted his feelings for Tomo to himself, Shannon’s heart broke a bit more. He hated the way that he was feeling, knew that he was stronger then that and yet at the same time when it came to the Croatian he found that he was nothing but weak and it was a feeling that was driving him nearly insane. Time after that flew at breakneck speed as he and Matt tried to help the Milicevic family as much as possible, meeting for the first time a new slew of family members, each louder and with more stories to tell then the next. At the end of each night Shannon would practically crawl into his hotel bed exhausted and yet hopeful that the man that he loved would come to him and yet he never did.

The morning of the funeral Jared showed up as expected, swooping in and making the most dismal of days seem almost light. He was loving and kind to Tomo’s mother and sister, giving them a shoulder of support as Matt and Shannon had. He flirted ever so subtly with the younger girls of their horde, making them as well as some of the older women fall under his spell as well. Without speaking a word he gave quiet support to his brother, never knowing how grateful he was for it, despite the fact that Shannon liked to think that he had everything under control. However, he soon learned it was the complete opposite as he mourned for the death of his friend’s father, he couldn’t help but morn for his and Tomo’s fucked up relationship as well. He didn’t know why, but something told him that everything was going to come to a head on that trip and it wasn’t going t be pretty. Tomo was pretty much still ignoring him and acting as if nothing had ever happened between them and in his mind and his heart he wish that it hadn’t. Several hours afterwards he was so mentally exhausted that all he wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep off his worry and confusion before they headed back home to L.A. They paid their final respects before leaving, Matt and Libby taking a cab back to the hotel while Jared and Shannon rode in the car Jared had hired.

“This can’t keep happening Shannon” Jared broke the silence around them as he looked over at his brother staring out the window across from him.

“I don’t want to talk about it Jared” Shannon replied tiredly.

“He didn’t speak a fucking word to you the entire day and I would bet money that he hasn’t this entire trip” Jared ignored him, his anger spiking at the tired sigh he received in place of words. “Thought so…” He spoke more to himself then Shannon as he leaned back against the leather seat, looking out his window as well. His mind was a whirling mess of anger and upset as he tried to figure out just what, if anything he could do to make Shannon see that what Tomo was doing to him was unhealthy. He was also concerned about the repercussions it would have for the band because he knew once he did that all hell was going to break loose.

“You want to hang out in my room for a bit before we call it a night” He heard Shannon ask as he turned his head and found his brother looking over at him. “You can tell me about your trip and the premier, who you fucked and so on and so on” Jared knew that Shannon couldn’t have cared less about his stories, knowing that the Hollywood game never interested him before, but he smiled at him just the same with a nod of his head in reply. He knew the real truth, knew that Shannon didn’t want to be alone and even though he knew it was a distraction from the turmoil of his life for just an hour or two Jared found that he was more then happy to be that distraction if it brought some peace to Shannon’s mind and heart.

“No way…” Shannon announced with a laugh as he and Jared sat in the living area of Shannon’s room, both sitting on the couch as Jared told another of the many stories from his premiere. “The got caught doing what? Jesus…that’s even to fucked up for me to even try” His laughter continued at the knock upon the door. “About fucking time room service gets here since I’m fucking....” His words were cut off as he opened the door, his back finding the wall behind him as an unseen force blew in and knocked him nearly off balance. He tried to call out in fear as his head connected with the hardness, but his cries were swallowed whole as a familiar mouth crashed against his as the door was slammed loudly behind him.

“Jesus fuck Tomo…” Shannon breathed harshly as he pushed the younger man away, fighting for breath while his heart beat wildly within his chest. “You fucking scared the shit out of…” Once again his words were cut off as his lips were captured in a painful smash of lips that once again forced Shannon’s head to bounce off the wall behind him. “What the fuck…knock it off” Shannon growled under his breath as he once again pushed that man away, stepping back once he had gained his bearings somewhat.

“Shannon please…I need you” Tomo whined as he wrapped his arms around the drummer’s neck, desperate to fuck him and expel some of the demons plaguing him. Once again he tried to kiss him, only to find his advances swept aside as Shannon pushed him away.

“Knock if the fuck off” Shannon spoke fiercely under his breath again in hopes of not alerting his brother, but knowing it was futile as Jared entered the hallway with looks that could kill upon his normally handsome face.

“He said knock it the fuck off you fucker” His words were cold as ice, almost as cold as the blue orbs locked straight on the man who was constantly hurting his brother.

“Jared…” Tomo gasped out, startled to find that Shannon wasn’t alone. “I thought Shannon was alone”

“Yeah I just bet you did you son of a bitch” Jared roared, stepping closer to the two of them, his fists clenched so tightly that his hands were beginning to ache.

“Jared…” Shannon warned as he moved even further away from Tomo, standing before his brother with pleading in his eyes.

“This shit is going to stop Tomo and it’s going to stop tonight” Jared ignored the look, instead walking past Shannon with a destination to get only to Tomo and end the madness that had been going on for years before hand.

“Jared stop this…” Shannon begged his brother once again.

“I don’t know what you are talking about” Tomo lied as he took a fearful step back, fighting the urge to run like a chicken from the room at the look of hatred he was receiving from the singer.

“Jared…shut the fuck up” He Shannon cried out once again.

“The fuck you don’t” Jared screamed, his face red and eyes near bulging from their sockets at the outright lie Tomo had spoken. “You’ve been fucking with Shannon for years now. Every time life gets to be to much for you…you hightail it to my brother as if to release whatever it is fighting deep inside you and my brother is so fucking in love with you that he lets you do it every time” The room went silent except for two identical gasps of shock that came from Tomo and Shannon, each for different reasons.

“Get out…” Shannon spoke under his breath to his brother, grabbing him by the arm and practically throwing him out.

“Shannon don’t do this” Jared tried to pry his arm from the iron like grip that Shannon had upon him, but found that he couldn’t as the front door was opened and he was literally tossed into the hallway of the hotel. “Shannon don’t do this again. I’m begging you” The only response he received was the slamming of the door right in his face.

“You ordered room service sir?” He heard a voice speak behind him as he turned to find an employee with a food cart.

“You can take it back. We won’t be needing that tonight” He spoke almost defeated as he pulled out his wallet while looking at the closed room door behind him. “Thank you…” He smiled sadly at the man, handing him a fifty dollar bill before walking off towards his own room.

The silence within the room was near maddening as Tomo and Shannon stood before each other, eyes locked as each waited for the other to speak. Shannon eventually was the first to speak when the silence got to be too much for him. “Go home Tomo…your family needs you” His words were almost a whisper as he turned to walk away from the man who continuously broke his heart.

“It’s not true what Jared said. Tell me it’s not true Shannon. You don’t love me…it’s just a thing that we do. You’re always there when I need you…that’s all it is…right?” Tomo blurted out, flinching back when Shannon turned to face him with so much anger and hurt flashing within his eyes.

“You already know the answer to that” He replied, his throat constricting from the amount of pain lodged deep within his heart. “You’ve known for years Tomo…just like Jared said…so don’t pretend that you don’t. If you don’t love me that’s fine…but don’t disrespect me with your pretend ignorance”

“I can’t love you Shannon…I won’t” Tomo responded with no real emotion other then annoyance in his voice. “I like the way things have been in the past. Nothing has to change between us. It can be like it’s always been…you being there for me when I need you and me giving you what you want most from me…a fuck”

“Get out…” Shannon demanded in full anger mode as he did as he had with Jared and grabbed Tomo by the arm before shoving him backwards towards the door.

“What? Why?” Tomo cried out in alarm as he wretched his arm from Shannon’s grasp. “I need you Shannon…more then anything right now” He tried to win him over with his pity and sympathy, his head making contact with the wall as Shannon’s fist came barreling towards him.

“You have no idea the hell you have put me through these last few years Tomo” He screamed at the top of his lungs, his pride gone as he allowed the tears he had been trying to hold back to over take him. “I’ve loved you for so long and I always hoped that if I was there for you whenever you needed me that you would realize that you love me as well. I now see that was a fools dream. I don’t want you to be just a fuck…I never wanted that” His voice weakened at the amount of pain exploding throughout his chest.

“I can’t give you what you want Shannon” Tomo spoke softly, sounding almost as upset as Shannon was, but then a stone look returned to his face before he began speaking again. “I’m quitting the band” He spoke with a hard edge that broke Shannon’s heart even more then the words. “My mother needs me now and I think that it will be easier for you to get over me if you don’t see my face everyday. Now that my father’s gone someone needs to take over the restaurant. I’m sorry Shannon” He left without another word, leaving Shannon standing in the hallway stunned and trying to figure out if what had just happened was all a horrible nightmare or real.

Something was wrong; Jared could feel it as he paced nervously within his own hotel room. Shannon needed him, every fiber in his body screamed of it as he rushed out the door, nearly knocking someone to the ground in his haste. “Tomo…” He cried out once he realized who it was. “Where’s Shannon? What’s wrong?” He belted out; noticing for the first time the tears on the much younger mans face.

“Talk to Shannon. He needs you and he will tell you everything” Tomo spoke in a monotone voice before turning and running down the hallway, leaving Jared confused as hell in his wake.

“Shannon…” Jared called out as he entered his brother’s hotel room with the key card he had swiped off of the night stand earlier. “Shannon…” He called out again walking deeper into the room, finding the living area empty before heading for the bedroom. Fear consumed him, quickly turning to an aching pain as he found his older and once so strong brother sitting in the middle of the bed looking near broken in two.

“Don’t say a word Jared” Shannon spoke as he looked up and found Jared standing in the doorway. “I don’t need you to be the leader Jared right now. I need you to be my brother. I need you to be there for me and only me and if you can’t do that then get the fuck out right now”

“I am always your brother first and foremost” Jared demanded as he walked into the room, climbing on the bed before wrapping his arms around the man trembling within them. He didn’t say another word as Shannon literally fell apart, his heart breaking more and more with each tear shed. His sadness turned to complete anger as once Shannon had composed himself enough he told the entire story word for heartbreaking word. “I’ll call my lawyer in the morning and fix his fucking ass” He growled, the hold on Shannon tightening in a fierce protectiveness at the way his former friend and band mate had devastated his brother.

“Jared don’t…” Shannon sniffled against his chest before pushing himself away. “Just leave it. Let him go. He made his decision and maybe he’s right. Jesus…I feel like such a fucking girl” He cried out, falling onto his back as he wiped at his aching eyes. “I’m usually so much fucking stronger then this”

“I personally think that you should visit the feminine side of yourself as often as you can. I know that I do” Jared grinned as he fell onto his side as he lay beside his brother. Shannon could only grin back because he knew that his brother wasn’t joking.

“What are we going to do about the band?” He asked, turning serious for a moment. “We have the tour starting and…”

“Don’t worry about the band…we will be fine. We won’t have any problems finding a temporary replacement for that motherfucker and once the tour is over we can start doing some serious auditions” Jared assured, wiping a stray tear from off of Shannon’s cheek. “I’ll take care of everything Shannon…I promise”

“I’m sorry” Shannon replied sadly, tears once again threatening to roll down his face.

“Don’t be Shanny” Jared smiled once again as he waited for Shannon’s reaction to a long ago nickname.

“You haven’t called me that in years”

“Well every time I did after the after the age of five you would beat the shit out of me”

“It’s nice to hear it now…makes me feel closer to you. If that makes sense”

“It makes all the sense in the world Shannon. I love you brother”

“Love you too”

 

Eight Months Later…

“We’re late again” Shannon spoke to the man standing beside him, chuckling as he watched him lifting a basket of vegetables from the back seat of their car.

“When I serve them my delicious meal all will be forgiven love” The man replied with a smile as he leaned over and kissed his boyfriend quickly upon his smiling lips.

“You’re lucky they love you” Shannon replied his smile widening.

“Oh and are they the only ones that love me” He pouted, placing the basket on the ground before them.

“You know I love you too you crazy fucker” Shannon responded as he pulled his boyfriend into his arms, kissing him quite soundly.

“Love you too baby…now lets go fill the bellies of the men you call family” He said with a flounce as he turned and practically skipped his way towards the front of the house. Shannon couldn’t help but smile after him as he rolled his eyes and picked up the heavy basket, walking after him.

“Sorry were late…” Shannon called out as they entered the house, both stopping short at the delicious smells invading their noses once they did. “What the fuck?” Shannon said, brows furrowed as he walked towards the kitchen, the basket hitting the ground at the sight he saw before him.

“Shannon…” He heard a woman call his name as he turned his head away from the kitchen, his eyes coming to rest on a very excited Mrs. Milicevic. “Now the boys are all here together once again and just in time for dinner I might add” He nearly hit the floor himself as she bound into his arms, pulling him close for a hug, as he bumped into his boyfriend who was trying to retrieve the dropped vegetables from the floor. “Cat’s got your tongue I see” The whirlwind went on as she pulled away from him, taking his hand instead as she dragged him into the kitchen. “You haven’t spoken to or seen Tomo in nearly a year and yet you have nothing to say to him…surely that’s not true. She went on in her Croatian accent as she grabbed Tomo’s hand as well, dragging his reluctant frame forward. “Tomo…say hello to Shannon” She urged her son to speak, leaving them standing there as she tended to the meal that needed her attention.

“Hi Shan…” Tomo greeted the drummer nervously, taking a step back at the look of pure hate he received in reply.

“I need to talk to you…now” Shannon ignored the hurt look he was receiving from the man that formerly owned his heart, instead grabbing onto the arm of Jared’s shirt before dragging him into another room. “What the fuck Jared?” He cried out irritated. “What the fuck is he doing here? Why didn’t you warn me because you know if I had known he was here I sure as hell wouldn’t have shown up. What the fuck are you pulling here Jay?”

“Are you done now?” Jared asked as he watched his brother pace back and forth before him. “I had no idea that they were going to he here today. They just showed up on my doorstep and before I knew it she was cooking and Matt and Libby were here. I also tried to call you, but all I kept getting was your voicemail”

“Bullshit Jared…” Shannon growled as he pulled his cell phone out of his holster, cursing himself stupid when he found the ringer on silent, a flashing icon telling him that he had five missed phone calls. “Fuck…I forgot that I turned the volume down last night. Dex and I went out to dinner and then a movie. Sorry man” He apologized to his brother as he fell into a nearby chair in frustration. “This is just so fucked up. I mean I have no idea what the fuck to do” He looked up to Jared for support, knowing that he would know what to do.

“You’re going to go back in there and pretend that nothing ever happened between you and Tomo. You’re going to enjoy the delicious meal that his mother made for us and rub it in his fucking face that you have a new man in your life and that you are so very very very happy” He grinned evilly as he fell into the chair beside Shannon, the two of them sharing a brotherly smile.

“Everything ok in here?” They heard a voice ask as they both looked up and found Shannon’s boyfriend standing before them looking quite uneasy.

“Everything’s fine babe…” Shannon smiled at his lover as he pushed Jared onto the floor, taking Dex’s hand until he was sitting in his place instead.

“I just thought that with Tomo being here and…” He tired to speak, only to be cut off as Shannon leaned forward and kissed him softly.

“Everything’s fine…I promise” He falsely assured as he kissed him once again, pulling him into a hug as he locked worried eyes on his brother who was still sitting on the floor.

“So Shannon…how did you meet Dexter?” Tomo’s mother asked several minutes later after introductions had been made and they were sitting around the dinner table.

Shannon locked eyes with Tomo across the table for several seconds before Dexter spoke up, taking his hand into his own. “He likes to tell people that I was the one night stand that never went away” He giggled, winking at Shannon before continuing with his story. “I was catering this affair and he was there with Jared. It was just like an old movie cliché, but there he was standing off across the room and I was smitten with just one look. I tried to get his attention all night, but he wasn’t biting. He seemed so sad and lost and after several hours I just marched right up to him and told him that he was fucking gorgeous and if he wanted there was an open invitation for later that night. We ended up back at his place where he fucked my brains out…oh sorry luv” He smiled politely towards the older women sitting in front of him.

“I’ve been around this bunch of hooligans for years…trust me there is nothing that shocks me anymore” She laughed, noticing the sad look upon her sons face as Dexter went on with his story. Reaching under the table she took his hand into her own, giving it a gentle squeeze of support.

“So anyways…” Dexter went on, hands flying everywhere as he did. “The next morning he was anything but pleasant when he found me in the kitchen cooking breakfast. He kept trying to get me to leave, but I refused. I made him sit down and eat, tried to get him to talk and at first he ignored my attempts, but I eventually broke him down. Didn’t I baby?” He smiled at his lover, leaning over and stealing a quick kiss from the silent man beside him. “We’ve been together ever since”

“How…how long has that been?” Tomo stammered as he looked from Dex to Shannon.

“What’s it been babe…about seven and a half months now?” Dex asked his lover with a warm smile, a smile that turned to confusion at the way he seemed to be staring at Tomo from across the table.

“So right after the funeral” It was more of a statement then a question.

“A couple of weeks…yeah” Shannon replied coldly towards Tomo, ignoring what seemed to be a look of hurt from the man. “Dex was the best thing to come into my life at that time. He makes me happy. We are happy. Right happy?” He stammered, wrapping his arm around Dex before placing a quick and awkward kiss upon his cheek.

“Yes babe happy…I think they get it. We’re all happy” He returned unhappily, getting up from the table as Shannon’s arm slid from around his shoulder. “Shannon…why don’t you help me in the kitchen. I’ll make some coffee after this delicious meal your mother made” He spoke to Tomo, not waiting for a response as he grabbed a handful of dishes and left the table. Reluctantly Shannon pushed himself away from the table and prepared himself for the confrontation he knew was to come. “Jesus Christ Shannon…what the fuck was that all about?” He heard Dex whisper on an angry breath as he entered the kitchen.

“Seems like there is trouble in paradise” Tomo’s mother broke the silence surrounding the table, looking from Matt to Jared as the not so hushed voices that came from the kitchen.

“Nah…those two are as happy and in love as any couple I have ever seen. I’ve seen them have knock down drag out fights one minute and then making out like love sick teenagers the next” Jared spoke in defense of his brother and his lover, because something told him that Tomo’s mother wasn’t up to just visiting and a delicious meal. “Dex is good for him. He brought him out of a slump nearly a year back that I thought was going to kill Shannon” He looked right at Tomo, making sure to lock eyes on the man to get his point across. “But now nearly a year later Shannon’s back and he’s happier then ever. So…what about you Tomo…anyone in your life making you deliriously happy?” He asked with a grin, enjoying slightly the look of pained hurt his brown eyes were trying to hide.

“No…” He whispered sadly as he broke the icy stare of Jared’s, once again looking in the direction of the kitchen.

“Well it’s good to see you again man” Matt piped up, trying to break the tension that seemed to be surrounding them. “I’ve really missed you”

“Missed you too man” Tomo responded with a small smile, grateful for the distraction.

“So how long are you in town for? Don’t you have that fancy restaurant of yours to run?” Jared asked, once again forcing Tomo to focus his attention to him because he wasn’t quite ready to leave the man alone just yet.

“I’m actually moving back to L.A.” He replied hesitantly, looking at his mother for support because he felt as if he were drowning.

“I fired him” She spoke up, taking a sip from her wine glass before placing it back upon the table.

“You fired him…your son the chef?” Jared nearly choked on his own wine.

“He’s a wonderful chef…yes. However…it’s not his true calling. He doesn’t belong in a kitchen. He belongs out on the open road playing to millions of adoring fans. He was miserable there and so I had to do what a mother does best…I had to kick him out of the nest. It is why we are here”

“And why is that…TOMO?” Jared directed his question to Tomo already knowing where the conversation was going.

“I want to join the band again” Tomo stated plainly and with as much confidence as he could muster as he stared his former leader and friend down.

“Over my fucking dead body” Shannon roared as he took that exact moment to enter the dining room, hot coffee spilling all over the table as he slammed the coffee pot down on the table.

“As I am sure you understand we will have to consider this between the three of us and then get back to you” Jared responded in his most professional manner as he got up and gave Tomo a look that left no question that it was time for he and his mother to leave.

“Of course” She responded as he pushed herself away from the table, tapping Tomo on the shoulder as well. “Come on Tomo I’m getting tired anyways. We’ll be at The Beverley Hotel…call us there once you come up with a decision”

All three watched as Tomo and his mother left, each calling out farewell greetings except for Shannon who the moment the front door closed near lost his mind. “You’re not doing this Jared. He’s not joining the band again you hear me…period”

“For one thing brother…” Jared growled as he slammed his fists on the table. “The last time I checked this was a band that consisted of three of us…not just you. We’ve always voted on the important shit together and that is what we are going to do today”

Shannon felt as if his head was going to explode from the amount of anger coursing through his body as he turned away from his brother, instead focusing on Matt. “Fine…you want a vote…then what is your vote Matt since it’s pretty clear what Jared’s is”

“Jesus Shannon…pressure much” Matt cried out as he looked to his wife for support as she sat quietly beside him. “I mean he’s Tomo and as upset as I still am about the fact that he left the band the way that he did…he’s still family. I miss him and…”

“Do either of you fucking remember what he did to me?” Shannon roared, unable to understand why his band mates, brother and best friend were betraying him in the way that they were. “Do you remember how devastated I was after the funeral? Do you…”

“Of course we do Shannon…but you have to look at this from the bands point of view and not a personal one” Jared spoke up softly, getting up out of his chair before walking over towards his red faced brother. “The fact of the matter is that since he’s left the band has pretty much stopped being the band. We barely got through our last tour with his temporary replacement and the truth is that despite the fact that we’ve had audition after audition…no one has come even close to the chemistry that Tomo has had with us in the past”

“Fine…you want Tomo back in this band so fucking badly then have him. I fucking quit” Shannon screamed at the top of his lungs as he turned from the people he thought of as family. “Let’s get the fuck out of here Dex” He said to his boyfriend as he walked past him and straight for the front door. His hands were trembling so badly that after the third attempt of trying to open the car door; he threw the keys on the ground and fell against the car in full pissy mode.

“Maybe I should drive babe…” Dex spoke soothingly as he leaned beside Shannon, their shoulders touching as he tried to give him silent support.

“Do you think I’m being unreasonable?” He asked, finally breaking the silence around them.

“No…” Dex replied truthfully, turning to face his lover. “Tomo hurt you very badly last year and I don’t blame you for reacting the way that you did. But…Jared’s right” He pushed on cautiously. “You’re looking at this from a personal level and as much as I hate the fact that he did hurt you…the band hasn’t been the same since he left”

“I just can’t think about this right now. Can you just take me home Dex…please” Shannon felt as if the wind had left his sails as he allowed Dex to pull him into his arms. “I love you…” He whispered against the mans ear, pulling back to look deeply into his eyes as he spoke those words.

“I love you too babe…now let’s go home”

 

Two Weeks Later…

“Shannon…Matt’s here to see you” Dex called out from the hallway of the apartment he shared with his lover. “He’s in the living room” He directed Matt when he got no response.

“How is he?” Matt asked in concern.

“He feels as if you and Jared have betrayed him” Dex replied truthfully. “Look I love Shannon and I have to admit that I am not happy that Tomo is back in the picture” He spoke up when Matt went into defense mode. “But I know that he is being a stubborn ass and as much as he fights it he’s dying to be part of the band again. He’s a Leto and stubborn as fuck…go in there and make him see how fucking stupid he is”

“You are really too much sometimes you know that” Matt beamed as he patted Dex upon the shoulder before barging into the living room where he found Shannon lying on the couch, pretending not to know he was there. “Get your ass up Shannon because we have some serious talking to do” He demanded as he strode over towards the couch, jerking Shannon upwards before falling into his previous position.

“Fuck off Mattie…” Shannon returned with a sneer as he attempted to get off of the couch, only to fall back once again as Matt tackled him from behind.

“You will listen you mother fucker…now shut the fuck up and let me talk” Matt grunted as he put his entire body weight forward, pinning Shannon under him. “You’re being an ass Shannon and Jared and the band is suffering for it”

“I don’t care” Shannon declared quite loudly as he tried in vain to move the unmoving man. “Ok fine…get the fuck off of me and I will listen” His words turned defeated, because despite how angry he was at this brother and Matt, he hated the idea that he might be the cause of their pain.

“Promise…”

“Yeah…I fucking promise now get your fat ass off of me” Shannon laughed for the first time in weeks as Matt slowly removed his bulk from his body, sitting taunt and ready to attack beside him once if the need arose. “So talk…”

“He’s miserable without you. These last two weeks he’s been a fucking tyrant. You know how he gets when you and he are on the outs” Matt began, still ready to go into attack mode if he had too. “It’s to the point now that I don’t even bother to go over there anymore because all he does is bitch and moan about you and Tomo”

“Why’s he bitching about Tomo?” Shannon asked out of curiosity, trying not to sound eager to learn but failing just the same. “He’s got his precious boy back…what else could he want?”

“You know what he wants Shannon and Tomo’s not with us anymore. Jared called him and told him that as much as he still loved him and wanted him to be part of the family again…you were his brother and he loved you more”

“He did…really” He questioned, not knowing how to react to Matt’s words about Tomo or his brother.

“He did…” Matt replied, turning to face Shannon even more. “I don’t know what to think or feel anymore Shannon” He went on, frustration clearly evident on his face. “I mean on the one hand you and Tomo are like brothers to me and yet on the other hand I know what Tomo did to you and how much it hurt you…but he’s family you know? I miss him sometimes and yet at the same time I don’t want to upset you because I know it makes you feel like shit. I just feel like I am caught between a rock and a fucking hard place”

“I know Matt and I am sorry” Shannon signed in frustration himself. “I mean it’s bad enough that he’s just popped back into my life and wants to rejoin the band…but something tells me that he has an ulterior motive as well”

“Of course he does…he wants you back” Matt supplied plainly.

“He never had me to begin with. It was all some sort of fucked up game”

“He had you in whatever fucked up way his mind allowed him to have you. I can’t tell you why he did the things that he did to you Shannon…but I always felt that he loved you…that he was holding back because maybe that love scared the fuck out of him. It’s hard to love a Leto…trust me I know” A sad smile crossed Matt’s face as he fell back to happier times when he and Jared were together and deeply in love.

“You still love him?” Shannon asked the question he already knew the answer to, ignoring Matt’s statement about Tomo and love.

“He’s the love of my life and a part of me will always love him” Matt replied with another sad smile. “I love Libby…don’t get me wrong. She’s wonderful and she makes me happy…but once you go Leto it’s hard to go back” His smile widened at the laugh he received from his best friend. “Can I tell you something?”

“Sure…anything”

“I haven’t told anyone yet…but Libby’s pregnant”

“Matt that’s fucking wonderful” Shannon exclaimed as he pulled Matt into a huge bear hug. “Holy shit I am so fucking happy for you”

“Yeah…thanks” Matt beamed, his smile then dimming before speaking again. “I was so excited when she told me…but you want to know what the first thing I thought of once she told me?” He asked, not waiting for a reply. “I thought…I wonder what kind of father Jared would be. Here was my wife telling me that she’s going to have my baby and all I could think about was what it would be like to raise this kid with him. Fucked up huh?” Tears of shame glistened within his eyes as he looked down at the couch, unable to look at Shannon any longer.

“Not at all” Shannon assured, pulling Matt into another bear hug. “Oh Jesus Matt…I don’t know what’s fucked up and what’s not anymore. I don’t really know what to think about Tomo coming back and then there’s Dex to think about as well. I love him so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him…even thought about asking him to marry me…but now this. I don’t know what to do or think and I am so worried that I am going to fuck up what I have with Dex because of it. I loved Tomo for five fucking years. Five years of thinking of him and wanting to be with him and then it was over. I just don’t know what I feel for him anymore”

“It’s a fucked up situation on both of our parts” Matt laughed sadly, pulling Shannon into a hug that time as they both just held each, their minds weighed down with thoughts of others.

Dex listened to the scene play out from the hallway, his heart bursting at the amount of love Shannon did hold for him, and aching at the same time because of the love he still felt for Tomo.

“You’re awfully quiet tonight baby” Dex spoke softly as he and Shannon lie in bed later that night, already knowing what it was that was bothering him.

“Just thinking” Shannon replied, opening his arms as Dex snuggled within them, his head lying upon his chest.

“Anything you want to talk about?” He asked, closing his eyes as he waited for Shannon’s response.

“It’s Tomo…” Shannon replied, his heart beating a bit faster as Dex sat upwards and waited for him to continue. “Jesus…fuck…” He sighed in frustration as he sat up as well, leaning against the headboard. “I love you Dexter…you know that right?”

“I know Shannon” Dexter said, his own heart beating at breakneck speed.

“You’re so good to me and you make me so happy…you know that too right?”

“Shannon…you’re scaring me”

“Shit…I knew I was going to fuck this up”

“What are you trying to tell me…just say it”

“I want to get married…”

“What…OMG…what?” Dex cried out, nearly falling off of the bed because of the words he received instead of the ones he expected.

“I want to get married” Shannon beamed at him as he reached forward and pulled him back towards him. “I was so worried when Tomo came back into the picture that I was going to screw things up and lose you…but after talking to Matt I know that I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I may still have an inkling of feelings for Tomo…but it’s nothing as to what I feel for you. So what do you say…will you marry me?”

Dex felt as if he were about to pass out as the man that he loved with all his heart sat before him smiling, waiting for him to answer the question he had been already been waiting for. He mind told him no…but his heart spoke in loud volumes as he lunged forward and tackled his lover screaming at the top of his lungs. “YES YES YES…a hundred times YES”

 

“Sir is there something I can help you with?” The doorman eyed Shannon wearily as he paced the length of the lobby of The Beverly hotel over and over again.

“I just need a minute ok?” Shannon spoke more to himself then to the doorman, running his hand through his hair in agitation.

“Sir if you’re not a guest here or here to see a guest then I am going to have to ask you to leave” The mans patience had run out as he placed his hand upon Shannon’s arm, nearly falling to the floor when it as jerked out of his grasp.

“Touch me again and you will be picking your teeth up off of that floor” Shannon warned with an evil sneer as he stormed over to the front desk. “Shannon Leto to see Tomo Milicevic” He stared the women down as she looked over his shoulder nervously at the doorman before typing in the information to locate the guests room.

“I need to call and ask if…” She stammered as cat like eyes zoned in on her.

“Then fucking call” Shannon cut her off, slamming his hand on the desk before turning to face the doorman still standing cautiously behind him.

“He says that it’s ok to send you up” She spoke nervously, shrinking back as Shannon turned to face her, his eyes near glowing. “Jeffrey will take you to his room” She pointed with a shaking hand towards the elevator.

“I think that I can find it on my own…thanks” He was sarcastic and felt horrible for the way he was treating the employees of the hotel, but his nerves were taunt and ready to explode and he wasn’t sure how to handle it. He ignored the dirty look he received from the bell boy, knowing for certain that once the door closed he was going to be the topic of conversation. “Fuck em…” He spoke aloud as he punched the button by the door, leaning back against the glass wall as he tried to calm his edgy nerves. He didn’t know why he had thought going to Tomo and talking to him would be a good idea and yet there he was just the same. His hands were sweaty and shaking and he was in dire need of a cigarette despite the fact that he had quit two years prior as he slowly made his way down the long hallway.

“Shannon…it’s so good to see you” He heard a familiar older voice call out as he rounded the corner of the hallway and found Tomo’s mother standing outside the door. “Tomo and I couldn’t believe it when the receptionist said that you were here. Come in…come in” She ushered him into the suite before he even had a chance to speak a word, finding a nervous Tomo standing in the middle of the living area.

“Shannon…what are you doing here?” He asked still not believing that the drummer was standing in the same room as him. “I figured after our last meeting I would never see you again”

“You're leaving?” Shannon ignored Tomo’s remarks, noticing for the first time the suitcases lined along the wall.

“Tomorrow…there is no reason for me to stay now” Tomo replied truthfully as he stared Shannon down.

“Or maybe there is…but I want to talk to you alone” Was his response to that as he turned to look at the women pretending not to listen to what was going on. Shannon waited not so patiently as Tomo took his mother aside, speaking to her in Croatian, each word getting louder when she seemed to object. He could feel his blood begin to boil because he knew for certain that going to the hotel and trying to speak to Tomo had been a huge mistake. “This was a mistake” He belted out as he turned to face the two. “I should go”

“No…I will go” Tomo’s mother spoke up, racing to the closet before pulling out a sweater. “I will go and visit with friends for a few hours. This will give you plenty of time to work out your differences. Listen to him Shannon…it’s all I ask” She went on, her eyes focused on him in a way that made him feel even more uncomfortable then he already was.

The room fell into uncomfortable silence once she had left, Tomo and Shannon standing before each other, each growing more nervous and agitated with each second that past. “Why are you back Tomo?” Shannon finally broke the silence that was about to drive him mad. “Why are you really back…because I know it’s not only for the band”

“If you know why I am here Shannon then why have me say it?” Tomo asked, regretting it the moment the words passed his lips at the look of anger he received.

“Because it’s the least you fucking owe me” Shannon bit out, his fists clenched as he considered running for the door and never turning back. “It’s like you and your mother have this fucking agenda and it has nothing to do with the band and everything to do with me” He didn’t know where his bravery was coming from but he knew he had to get the words out and speak his mind just the same.

“I want you back” Tomo stated plainly, apparently feeling just as brave as Shannon. “I love you Shannon”

“You never had me in the first place. To you it was just fucking. You even said so yourself that you didn’t love me” He reminded the guitarist snidely, crossing his arms over his chest in full anger as the memories began to play within his mind of the night that Tomo had broken his heart into many little pieces.

“No…I never said that” Tomo defended. “What I said was I couldn’t love you…that I wouldn’t love you”

“Same difference” He snorted as he fell onto a nearby couch because he just didn’t feel his legs could hold him up any longer.

“It’s not the same difference at all” Tomo replied as he sat down next to him, his heart breaking at the way Shannon practically pulled into himself as to get away from him. “Shannon…I know that this doesn’t make sense to you now…but I’ve been in love with you from practically the first time I saw you. Before I started with the band I had this amazingly huge man crush on you and once I started playing with you guys and got to know you my feelings for you grew. They changed into something that I couldn’t explain because I had never felt anything like it for a man before. I was scared shitless by them and yet at the same time I couldn’t stay away from you. I was selfish in that I knew what I was doing to you was wrong…but it was the only way that I could be close to you in the ways that I craved. Wait…” He held up his hands in defense when Shannon tried to speak. “I know that I’ve treated you badly…fuck I know that I’ve hurt you mentally as well as physically…and I have suffered because for it greatly. I tried to get over you…tried to move on and find love with a women but it just never felt right. It’s been eating me up inside Shannon…so much so that even my mother began to notice the changes in me. I finally just broke down and told her everything…everything” He emphasized, tears pooling within his eyes as he bared his heart and soul to the love of his life. “I just wanted to move on and try and forget you…but she knew that I couldn’t do it…that I would always be miserable and lonely for you and that is why we are here. The plain and simple truth is that I love you Shannon and I want you back in any way that I can have you”

“You can’t have me in any way” Shannon roared as he jumped up off of the couch and began to pace before the tearful man. “You want to be in the band…fine you’re in because truth be told it hasn’t been the same without you. However…I am with someone and Dex is a wonderful man who would never put me through the hell that you put me through. He loves me and we are going to be spending the rest of our lives together because I’ve asked him to marry me. You have some nerve telling me this shit now Tomo…now when those words of love mean nothing to me. I stopped loving you a long time ago and if you think that I am stupid enough to ever go back to the way that things were before…then you’re even crazier then I thought. If you want to be part of the band again then you are more then welcome…but don’t expect anything but tolerance from me because that is all I can give you now. Maybe we can work up to friendship or something close to it…but I don’t foresee that happening anytime soon. Forgive me for being so frank and ugly Tomo…” He went on ignoring the tears blazing down Tomo’s cheeks and the pain within his heart that told him that everything he had just said was a bold faced lie. “But I don’t trust you. I could beat your head into nothing but a bloody pulp for the way you fucking treated me…the way you hurt me”

“Then do it” Tomo jumped up off of the couch, standing before Shannon.

“What?” Shannon cried out in shock.

“Beat my ass. Pound my head into the ground…do anything that it takes to make you stop hating me the way that you do” His tears intensified as he grabbed onto one of Shannon’s hands and brought it to his face. “Hurt me Shannon….hurt me the way that I hurt you…please”

“You’re insane” Shannon replied harshly as he pulled his hand away from Tomo’s tearful face. “You’re fucking insane” He repeated as he walked towards the other side of the room in order to bridge some space between them. “Why is my being in your life so important Tomo?” He asked, his own tears threatening to consume him. “Why now after nearly a year when I am happy and in love with a wonderful man are you back? Why can’t you just leave me be?”

“You know why” He replied sadly, his heart breaking as he once again walked slowly over towards Shannon. “It’s because I love you. It’s because I am miserable without you. It’s because I can’t live my life without you in it…either as my lover or my friend. I know I was a fuck up. I know that I was a selfish fucker who hurt you badly…but I want to make up for that Shannon. I want to prove to you that you mean everything to me and that you always will. What do I have to do to make you see that I’ve changed and it’s only for the better and only because of you?”

“Stop…stop” Shannon cried out, placing his hands upon his ears to block out the words that were confusing him beyond belief. “I can’t hear anymore. We can work on friendship Tomo….that’s it. I can’t give you what you claim to want…because I don’t believe for one moment that you love me as much as I once loved you. I’ll give you friendship and nothing else. I love Dex. I want to be with Dex. I am going to marry Dex…you got that” He threatened as he shoved his fist in Tomo’s face.

“I’ll take whatever you can give me” Tomo responded with a sad smile as he reached forward and pulled Shannon into his arms. He couldn’t help the sigh of contentment that escaped from his lips at the press of the mans body next to his, but it was short lived as Shannon seemed to hug him back for only a nano second before pushing him away.

“I have to go. I’m going over to talk to Jared now. Be at the studio bright and early tomorrow and we will see what happens” With not another word said, Shannon headed for the door, only realizing once he closed the door behind him just how much that simple hug had meant to him. “Fuck…” He swore under his breath as he started walking towards the elevator lost in images and memories of the past.

“Shannon may I speak with you?” He heard Tomo’s mother call out to him as he walked through the lobby finding her sitting alone on one of the couches. Dread filled him as he fought the urge to run from the lobby and never look back, but out of respect for the older women he nodded in acceptance before sitting down beside her. “If you will I would like to tell you a story” She began, continuing on when she got no response from him. “The men in this family are selfish” She started her tale. “It’s sad but true, from Tomo’s grandfather to his father, even his brother…all selfish. They will take and take from you until you feel that you can’t give anymore and then they will do something so wonderful and incredible that it makes you forget about their selfish ways and love them even more for them. When I was a young girl his father courted me unmercifully but I would never fully commit to him because of his selfish way” She smiled sadly as she recalled his husband. “Even on our wedding day I contemplated not going through with it because I knew what I was getting myself into…but as much as it frightened me…at the same time he had wormed his way into my heart and I knew that there was nothing I could do to stop it”

“I don’t understand what this has to do with me” Shannon said confused.

“It has to do with you because I know that you love my son” She replied evenly. “Despite the fact that you are with someone else…I can see it in your eyes when you look at him. It takes a strong person to love a Milicevic …but I know you are up for the challenge” She smiled as him, taking his hand into her own.

“I’m with someone and whatever I felt for Tomo ended a long time ago. I know he said that he told you everything but I am sure that you have no idea what really happened between us” His words were loud and hateful as he pulled his hand away from the women, standing up as he prepared to leave.

“I know that he used you. That he used your body and your feeling for him whenever he needed you. I know that he hurt you very badly Shannon…but I also know that he loves you and that he’s been suffering for it every since that night he went to you in your hotel room” She spoke quickly as she grabbed onto his hand once again and prohibited his leaving. “I won’t claim to understand why it is that my son is in love with a man…because I don’t. However…he does love you and it’s a real love Shannon because he’s willing to do anything and everything to prove to you that he does love you and it’s not a game anymore…not that it was a game to him in the first place but a way to be close to you”

“I’ve talked to Tomo and made my feelings clear” Shannon replied with no emotion behind his words because his mind was reeling and his head was aching from all the drama. “He can be part of the band again…but that’s it. I am going to marry Dex and we are going to have a wonderful life together. I’m sorry Mrs. Milicevic…but I can’t go back to the past. I love Dex…he’s the one that I want to be with. Now if you will excuse me I have to meet up with Jared. Have a safe trip back home” He kissed her upon the cheek before taking his leave.

“You can fight it all you want Shannon…the two of you are meant to be together. You love each other and no matter what love will prevail in the end” He heard her holler out behind him, causing him to stop for a moment as he turned to look at her one more time. “You can’t help who you fall in love with...that’s just not how love works”

Shannon wanted to tell the woman just how crazy she was and how she needed several trips to a mental health facility, but instead he held back as he once again took his leave, his mind reeling the entire drive over to Jared’s. Afterwards he just sat in his car, confused and angry that fate had brought Tomo back into his life when everything seemed to be running so smoothly since he had ended things nearly a year back. “Hello…” He shouted into his cell phone when it rang loudly from the holster of his jeans, not even bothering to see who it was.

“Hey baby…” He heard the voice of his lover speak out to him, a small smile playing across his face at his sound.

“Hey…” He replied softly. “I was just thinking of you” He half lied, fumbling with his seatbelt before starting the car.

“Where are you?” He heard Dex question, his heart rate speeding up as he tried to come up with a correct reply.

“I’m at Jared’s” He lied, not wanting to go into the whole Tomo deal and yet still knowing that he was lying to the man that he loved.

“I just called Jared and he said he hasn’t seen you in over two weeks. Where are you really Shannon” The voice on the other end accused and it only served to piss Shannon off to no end.

“Last time I checked I was a grown fucking man and I didn’t need permission to do what I wanted. I went for a walk ok. I had to clear my head and…” He lied, his anger turning to guilt and upset when his only reply was dead air. “Just fucking great” He screamed into the car, slamming his hand upon the dash board as the phone went flying into the empty seat next to him. With a heavy hearted sigh he threw the car into drive and headed off to his brother’s house, knowing full well that there was going to be hell to pay once he got back to his own home.

“What the hell do you want?” Jared asked sarcastically as he walked out of the kitchen and into his living room finding his brother sitting there quietly. “I said what the hell do you want?” He asked again, placing the drink in his hand upon the coffee table before turning his full attention back to the man who still hadn’t spoken to him. “Shannon?” He spoke his name quietly, already knowing that something was not right with him.

“Tomo’s back in the band” Shannon replied with no real emotion, getting up and heading for the door because he knew he had some serious ass kissing to do to his lover.

“And what about you?” He heard Jared ask causing him to stop and turn towards him.

“I’m back in as well…mother fucker” He added with a smile, laughing out loud as his brother came barreling towards him, crushing him within his arms once he reached him. “I have to go…” He spoke winded a few minutes later as he pushed Jared away, knowing that without having to voice it, everything was once again alright between the two of them. “I lied to Dex about where I was and now I have some serious ass kissing to take care of”

“He called for you just before you got here” Jared turned serious for a moment. “You were with Tomo I take it?”

“Yeah…” He replied with a frown. “I had to know a few things before we could even try and be a band again”

“And did you get the answers that you needed?”

“Just more questions on my part”

“Is that why you lied to Dex then?”

“I don’t know why I didn’t tell him…or maybe I do and I just don’t want to admit it to myself”

“Like the fact that despite everything that has happened you are still in love with Tomo”

“Yeah…something like that. I have to go. I’ll see you first thing in the morning little bro…later”

“Dex…” Shannon called out as he entered his apartment, finding it void of his lover. “Shit…” He swore under his breath as he fished his cell phone out of his pocket, dialing the familiar number, only to curse again when he received his voicemail. “Dex…I’m so sorry about earlier baby. I didn’t mean to snap at you…it’s just that I have so much on my mind and…well none of that matters” He cut himself off, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I love you baby and I just wanted to say that I am sorry. I’ll talk to you when you come home…if you come home” He said more quietly as he disconnected the call, falling backwards onto the couch in frustration.

He woke up hours later when he felt a body straddle him. Confusion coated him for a moment as he tried to get his eyes to focus, wishing only for a moment that it was Tomo the man that he had been dreaming about, instead finding the loving face of the man who had shared his life for the previous year. “Why would you think that I wouldn’t come home?” He asked as he continued to straddle Shannon’s lap, one hand cupping the drummer’s face tenderly.

“I don’t know” Shannon lied, closing his eyes to hide the tears that were trying to bleed from his eyes, tears that came out of nowhere. “I’m just so sorry baby” He whispered, his voice hoarse from sleep and emotion as he reached out and wrapped his arms around Dex’s neck. “I love you so much” He rushed out, crushing his body tightly against his own in a need that confused him more then anything he could explain. “I went to Tomo’s hotel” He spoke again once he felt he had somewhat control of himself, not looking Dex in the eyes for several seconds out of fear of what he would find there. “I had to talk to him…try and work some things out…but all it did was confuse me more” He finally looked up speaking words of truth despite the fact that he knew it was going to hurt his love.

“Confused about the fact that you are still in love him” Dex filled in the blanks when Shannon didn’t say anything else.

“I still have feelings for him…yes” Shannon spoke slowly, not even trying to stop Dex when he climbed off of him, walking towards the other side of the room once he had. “But they aren’t in any way the same as I feel for you Dex. You have to believe me when I say that” He defended, getting up and walking slowly towards him. “I love you Dexter Martin…with all that I am I love you”

“So why did you lie?” His words were accusing as he turned to face Shannon with tears glistening within his dark eyes. “You have to tell me what’s going on here Shannon because I’m so fucking terrified of losing you to Tomo right now that I can’t stand it”

“You’re not going to lose me to Tomo” Shannon shouted, grabbing onto Dex’s arms as he pulled him against his body once again. “Jesus I knew that Tomo coming back was going to be a fucking nightmare and I’ve been so afraid of fucking up what we have because of it. I love you…do you hear me?” He asked urgently as he pulled Dex backward as to make sure he saw the determination and truth within his eyes. “I love you so fucking much and no matter what I always will. I want you to know right here and now that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Tomo coming back just threw me off center for a moment…but it hasn’t changed the way that I feel about you… about the fact that I want to marry you and spend the rest of our lives together”

“I want that too Shannon…but despite your words I am still afraid” Dex decided to speak his own set of truth as he hung his head in shame. “What if you decide later that he’s who you really want to be with…who you really love?”

“You have to trust me” Shannon replied softly as he placed his finger under Dex’s chin, lifting it up gently before leaning in and kissing him tenderly. “Do you trust me?”

“I trust you…its Tomo and his mother that I don’t trust. They seem to have an agenda that doesn’t only include Tomo rejoining the band”

“I know and that’s the reason that I went to his hotel room. I let them both know in no uncertain terms that I love you and only you and that he will only be permitted to rejoin us if they understand that”

“And they both accepted that” Dex asked, his heart stopping in his chest as he waited for Shannon to answer.

“Yes…” He heard Shannon reply but something in his eyes told Dex that he wasn’t speaking the full truth. He choose to ignore the twinge in his heart that told him he should go after the real truth as he grabbed onto Shannon’s hand and led him towards the bedroom. He knew deep within his mind that his time with Shannon was going to be limited, but his listened to his heart instead as he told him that he and Shannon would be together forever.

 

Six months later…

Dex watched as Shannon packed his suitcase, his heart breaking a little more with each piece of clothing that was added to it and yet he said nothing. “What time are you leaving tomorrow” He asked finally, putting a forced smile upon his face when his lover looked up at him with a real smile of happiness.

“We’re going to pack up the bus tonight and leave about eight tomorrow morning” His smile grew as he went back to his packing. “I just can’t believe that we are finally getting back on the road. Jesus…I never knew how much I missed it until Jared started talking about touring again. Did you know that all the shows we have booked are sold out already?” He went on repeating the same story he had told Dex over and over again since talk had begun about touring months before hand.

“That’s great baby” He replied with no real emotion behind his words as he sat on the bed that they shared, nibbling at his perfectly manicured fingernails.

“Dex…you ok?” Shannon asked, looking up from his pack, his smile disappearing by the look Dexter’s normally handsome face carried. “Hey…what’s wrong?” He asked when tears appeared within his eyes as he went and sat down beside him.

“Nothing…” Dex laughed sadly, wiping his tears away with one hand as Shannon captured the other in his rough and calloused one. “I’m just being an idiot” He laughed again, not even trying to hide the rest of the tears that slid down his cheeks. “I’m just going to miss you. Four months is a long time”

“Oh baby…” Shannon soothed as he wrapped his arms around the distraught man. “It’s not really four months since you are meeting up with us in New York in a little over a month. I would ask you to tour with me but you have your catering business and…”

“I know…I know” He sniffled against Shannon’s neck, hating that he was acting like a baby but unable to control the fear that his time with Shannon was growing shorter and shorter and by the end of the tour would probably come to a complete halt. It seemed that his greatest fear was coming true and that it was just a matter of time before he lost the love of his life to the one known as Tomo. Over the previous six months he had watched as Shannon and Tomo had gotten closer and closer as they practiced and prepared for their upcoming reunion tour. At first there had been a huge gap between the two, a gap that he hoped would remain there for always, but every so slowly the gap began to lesson until the two were acting like best friends and brothers in the way he had often heard of before he had even met Shannon. “I just love you and I am going to miss you so much is all”

“Me too baby…but you know that I am a musician and being on tour and playing before an audience is what I live for. It’s going to be over soon and then I will be back being a pain in your ass like always” He kissed Dex quickly before he jumped up and began to pack again.

“Yeah…” Dex replied with a frown as he laid back across the bed and watched his boyfriend finish packing.

“Do you remember that time that we dared Tomo to dress up like a women and walk around the crowd before the show started?” Shannon laughed as the four members of the band sat around Jared’s living room, Dex and Libby sitting off to the side as they reminisced about days gone by.

“Oh Jesus that was a sight” Matt laughed out loud, patting a blushing Tomo on the back. “In fact I think that I still have a picture of that somewhere” His laughter grew louder when Tomo threatened to castrate him if that picture every showed the light of day.

“I haven’t seen Shannon so happy in such a long time” Libby remarked as they watched Shannon pull Tomo into a head lock, the two of them wrestling like young kids, until Jared forced them to break apart before they broke something. “Going out on this tour is going to be good for him” She continued oblivious to the pain that her words were causing a silent Dexter. “He hasn’t been the same since Tomo left”

“What about the time that Shannon smoked that bad weed and we had him convinced that he was little Orphan Annie. How does that song go again red?” Tomo roared with laughter, jumping up off of the couch while Shannon ran after him cursing and laughing in a way that Dex had never seen before. As much as he hated to admit it Shannon had a glow about him that he had never seen before and as much as he wanted to believe it was only because of the upcoming tour and not because of the fact that Tomo was back in his life he knew deep within his heart differently. Tears threatened to consume him as he watched the two once again wrestling across the room, the sound of their laughter echoing around them, Matt and Jared watching with goofy smiles upon their faces.

“Well…I’ve had enough of this for one night. It’s bad enough that the Leto hooligans are taking my husband away from me during the later part of my pregnancy…but I’ll be damned if they are going to take my last night from me as well. Matthew…time to go” She called out to her husband, noticing the way Jared shot ice blue daggers her way before turning his gaze away quickly.

“The boss speaks. Boys…stay out of trouble before we leave for the tour tomorrow will you. We don’t need broken fingers and wrists before we start our first show” Matt chuckled as he walked up to the two winded men, hugging them both before tending to his pregnant wife. “Night Dex…” He smiled at Shannon’s lover before he and Libby left for the evening.

“Maybe we should go as well” Dexter finally spoke up, getting off of his chair as he walked over towards his boyfriend, taking his hand as he began walking towards the door. He noticed the way Shannon hesitated briefly before finally following him, leaving his side for a moment as he hugged his brother goodbye, awkwardly standing in front of Tomo before hugging him as well. Dex wanted to cry out in fear and pain as the hug lingered a bit longer then necessary, watching the way that Tomo’s eyes shut as a look of pure bliss covered his face, only to disappear just as quickly once Shannon had pulled back. A silent look passing between the two of them before it too was over and Shannon was once again standing beside him.

“You’re awfully quiet tonight” Shannon said softly as he walked up behind his boyfriend, wrapping his arms around his waist, as he stood silently before the fireplace staring off into space.

“Just thinking” Dex replied leaning into the body behind him, savoring the feel of heat passing between them. “You seemed to be having a lot of fun with the boys tonight” He remarked cautiously. “I’ve never seen you so happy…even Libby commented on it”

“Yeah it was great being with the guys again. It felt like old times you know. I haven’t had that much fun in ages” He smiled against the nape of Dexter’s neck, oblivious as to how much his words hurt his lover.

“Well just think of all the fun you can have with him…with them once you are back on the bus tomorrow” He ground out, cursing himself for his verbal slip as he pushed Shannon’s hands off of his waist before walking away from him.

“What’s that supposed to me?” Shannon asked, confused at the way Dex was acting.

“It doesn’t mean anything. Apparently this past year hasn’t meant anything to you” He cried out, storming off towards the bedroom.

“What the fuck do you mean by that?’ Shannon yelled as he entered the room and found his boyfriend pulling the comforter down from the bed. “I said what the fuck do you mean by that?” He asked again, grabbing Dex by the arm as he forced him to face him. “What the hell is the matter with you tonight? You haven’t said a word to me practically the entire night and now this”

“Oh did you even notice that I was there?” Dex asked sarcastically as he yanked his arm free from his grasp. “You seemed to be to busy wrestling with Tomo, touching Tomo, fucking hugging Tomo ever chance you got”

“WHAT?” Shannon roared in anger as he turned and once again grabbed onto his lovers arm. “Of course I knew you were there and Tomo and I were only fooling around. Ok…bad choice of words” He admitted at the hurt look he received from Dex. “Dex…baby… we were only horsing around. It’s what we do and despite everything that has happened in the past…I have to admit that it is nice to have Tomo back with us. I didn’t realize it until these past few weeks just how much I’ve missed his friendship…and only his friendship” He defended when he received yet another hurt look. “Baby…I love you. Tomo coming back hasn’t changed that one bit…don’t you know that yet?”

“But it will” He replied, closing his eyes to the tears welling up there. “It’s just a matter of time before you will realize how much you want more then his friendship from him”

“Jesus…not this again” Shannon cried out in frustration as he stepped away from Dexter. “We’ve had this conversation over and over and fucking over again” He cried out, falling onto the end of the bed. “Jesus Christ what do I have to do to prove to you that there is nothing between Tomo and I except for friendship. Is this how you really want to spend out last night together before I leave in the morning?”

“No…it’s not” Dex replied sadly as he walked over to stand before Shannon. “But I don’t think that it’s over for him. You didn’t see the look on his face when you hugged him Shannon. It was a look of love…a look of contentment…not a look between two simple friends”

“Stop this…stop this right now” Shannon demanded as he took both of Dex’s hands into his own and forced him to sit on the bed beside him. “Tomo has a girlfriend remember and one that he is quite fond of. There is nothing going on between us and his feelings for me are nothing more then that of friendship. He and I have discussed this and he knows there won’t ever be more them friendship between us and he accepts that. I’m not going to have this conversation with you once again. Now for the last time…I love you and only you and either we can spend tonight arguing over this shit or we can enjoy our remaining time together making love to each other…your choice” He didn’t say another word as he got up and went into the bathroom, trying like hell not to let the words that his lover had spoken about Tomo affect him. When he exited the bathroom a few moments later he found his lover spread out naked upon their bed, an apologetic look upon his face as he held out his hands towards him.

 

Six weeks later…

“There they go again” Tomo sighed in frustration as he and Shannon sat in the living area of the bus playing video games, listening to Jared and Matt arguing. “It’s all they do lately and we still have weeks of touring ahead of us”

“Well you sort of can’t blame Jared for being upset. I mean come on Libby is constantly calling Matt at all hours of the day or night. Jesus look at last night…right in the middle of a show she called him and what’s worse…he took the call. He just stepped off of the stage and took the call. It’s unprofessional” Shannon defended his brother’s actions.

“Boy you can tell your related to Jared” Tomo replied as he look at Shannon in somewhat disgust. “I don’t blame him one bit for doing that” He defended Matt. “His wife is about ready to have his first child and you can’t blame the man for being nervous since he’s not there. He could have told us no when we decided on this tour…but he didn’t. Instead he took the wrath of Libby to be here with us. You and Jared should cut him some slack and stay off his case because his pregnant and probably scared wife keeps calling him”

“Boy you’ve changed” Shannon smiled at Tomo, amazed at just how much the guitarist had changed since their last tour together. “The Tomo I used to know would have agreed with me in a heartbeat and been pissed to high heaven about Matt’s actions”

“I had to grow up sometimes” He shrugged with a blush. “After my dad died I realized just how important family is. I never really got that before…now it means everything. Now shut the fuck up and play you cheater” He laughed as he grabbed Shannon’s game control from his hand and started pressing all sorts of buttons, the character he was playing dying a painful death.

“OMG…you’re the cheater” Shannon cried out in shock as he tossed the control on the floor, tackling the hysterical man to the ground from where he sat on the floor. The space was small, so small that it only took Tomo rolling away once before he hit his head on a metal pole holding up the table, halting their rough play. “Oh shit…sorry Tomo” Shannon rubbed the side of his head that had been hit, completely unaware that he was nearly lying fully on top of him. “Are you ok?” He asked slowly, his eyes locked on dark chocolate ones once he realized just how close he truly was to him. His mouth went dry; his brain began to shut down as his line of sight moved to partially open lips blowing warm air across his chin. He knew that he should be doing something, like getting off of him but he found that he could only focus on those lips, that focus intensifying as a pink tongue jutted out and wetted them. Full brain function left him as his body shifted to auto pilot, his lips pursing together on their own as his neck no longer felt able to hold itself upright. Everything was in slow motion as inch my inch the gap was bridged until two pairs of lips lie upon each other. Neither moved for a brief second until the fire within them, a fire each thought had been doused fully slowly came back to life. Shannon didn’t know who started first but the end result was that of lips exploring lips before tongues and teeth got in on the pleasure.

“Do you think we should stop them?” Matt asked as he and Jared stood just inside the tiny room, watching the un-forbidden scene play out before them.

“No…” Jared whispered determinedly as he pulled his eyes from the two on the floor, looking up at Matt.

“Why not?” Matt asked confused as he too drew his eyes from the scene. “Shannon’s with Dex and Tomo’s with that girl” He reminded, eyes locked in a dare with the man he still loved like no other.

“Because I know what it’s like to lose the love of your life” Jared replied sadly, his eyes briefly reverting back to his brother and Tomo. “Those two love each other and no matter how much they try and deny it…they belong together. I won’t see that happen to them like it happened to us” Blue eyes locked on blue for a moment as Jared reached out and ran his fingers along the side of Matt’s face tenderly before taking his leave.

“Jared…” Matt called out to him, knowing that the moment was lost as he entered the small bathroom, slamming the door loudly behind him.

“OMG…shit…fuck” Shannon cried out as his functions began to return to him at a raised voice and the slamming of a door. “Shit Tomo…I am so sorry” He belted out, pushing himself away from Tomo so fast that he slammed his wrist on the same metal pole that Tomo had hit his head on. “That shouldn’t have happened…it won’t happen again” He spoke more to himself as he jumped up off of the floor, practically fleeing for his bunk in order to hide and figure out what the hell he had done.

“You ok?” Matt asked in concern when Tomo continued to lie upon the floor, a look of pure shock and misery radiating up at him.

“I need to call my girlfriend” Tomo replied instead, pulling himself up off of the floor as he too went and hide within the confines of his bunk.

“You’ve reached the personal voicemail of Dexter Martin. If you will leave me a message and a number to call you back at I promise to do so at my earliest convenience. If this is your baby know that I love you and miss you like mad. Talk to you soon” Shannon heard the bubbly sound of his boyfriend’s voicemail, guilt building up inside him as he hung up the phone, trying to reach him by text message.

His phone rang a moment later. “Hey baby…what’s going on?” He heard the sleepy voice of Dexter speak sleepily across the line, not even realizing the late hour. .

“Sorry…I didn’t mean to wake you” He lied because he meant to do just that if it helped him forget about the incredible kiss he had just shared with Tomo. “I just missed you and wanted to hear your voice. I didn’t realize it was so late. Forgive me?” He whined, knowing how that tone of voice affected him.

“Course I forgive you” He replied and Shannon could hear the smile behind his words. “I really miss you Shannon”

“I miss you too baby. So tell me about your day” He asked, not really caring as Dexter did just that and went on in detail about his day, Shannon not really hearing a word of it as he mind wandered over and over again to the kiss he had shared with Tomo. “God…I’m so fucking horny for you baby” Those words caught Shannon’s attention as he placed full focus to the man on the line.

“Mmm…oh yeah. So what are you wearing?” He grinned, his already semi hard penis twitching even more.

“Nothing now” Dex replied as he shifted out of his pajama bottoms. The next several hours were spent talking dirty and having phone sex as Tomo laid in his own bunk, dick in hand as he listened to every dirty word pretending it was he and Shannon.

“We need to talk about what happened the other night” Tomo called after Shannon as they exited the bus together.

“There’s nothing to talk about” Was Shannon’s response as he ignored Tomo as much as he could, pulling open the doors of the hotel they were staying in several days after the incident.

“We fucking kissed Shannon and you can’t tell me that you didn’t feel anything about it because I felt it pressing against me when we were on the floor” Tomo spoke even louder, ignoring the strange looks they were receiving from the hotel employees and its guests.

“Would you shut the fuck up before someone hears you. Dexter could already be here and I don’t want him to hear it from you that I’ve fucked up” Shannon hissed as he turned around so fast that Tomo literally rammed into him before he had a chance to stop. “There’s nothing to discuss. We were wrestling around and we kissed…no big deal. Why can’t you just pull a Tomo like you’ve done in the past and forget that anything has happened” Shannon wanted to eat his words the moment that he spoke them at the look of hurt he received from the man standing before him. “Tomo I…” He tried to speak but was cut off before he could finish his words.

“Just so you know Shannon…that fucking hurt. I’m not that man anymore and you fucking know it” Tomo tried to push past the pain lodged deep within his throat at what Shannon had said, but found it near impossible as he allowed his tears to fall. “I’ve tried to move past what I feel for you…tried to be nothing but your friend…but I can’t do that anymore Shannon. I love you. I’ve always loved you and I am always going to love you…no matter how much I try and pretend that I don’t. You can’t help who you fall in love with and no matter how much you might fight it…I know that you love me Shannon. There is no denying fate or destiny and you and I are dentined to be together” He shouted as he lurched forward, grabbing the sides of Shannon’s face with his hands before planting one hell of a loud kiss upon his stunned lips. “Just remember…you started this again Shannon when you kissed me first”

“Something you want to tell me about Shannon?” He heard the upset voice of his lover, ignoring him for a moment as he watched Tomo storm out of the hotel lobby. The snapping of pictures and the murmuring of voices pulled him back to himself as he turned and found Dexter still standing behind him with a look of pure anger upon his face. “Fuck off…” He shouted at the guests still snapping pictures as he grabbed onto Dex’s hand and practically dragged him towards the elevator.

“You’re fucking hurting me” Dexter cried out, not only from the vice like grip that Shannon still had upon his hand, but by the pain in his heart at what he had just witnessed.

Shannon didn’t say a word; his mind still reeling about the fact that he had just been outed in the middle of a hotel lobby by the other man that claimed to love him. He knew that by nightfall the news would be all over the internet as well as any shitty tabloids that happen to fall upon the story. He wasn’t sure if he was more upset about the fact that people were not going to know about a part of his private life that he had been strict about keeping secret or the fact that in mere moments he and the man he had shared his life with for the previous year were more then likely going to split up.

“So did you kiss him?” Dex asked the moment that they entered their hotel room as he threw his travel bag upon the floor. He watched as Shannon paced nervously before him, running his hands through his hair in a way that he only did when truly provoked about something. “Fucking answer me” He shouted, halting his pacing as he grabbed onto his arm and forced him to turn around.

“We kissed…it was a mistake…it meant nothing” He rushed out in a mumbled mess of words unable to meet Dex’s eyes because he knew he would see the lies in his own eyes.

“It seems to have meant something to Tomo” Dex reminded, walking past Shannon as he fell into a nearby chair, his heart breaking at what he knew was about to occur. “And by the look on your face and that fact that you can’t even look at me…I know it meant something to you as well. Didn’t it? Do you…love him Shannon?” He asked sadly, tears already trickling down his face.

“No…I don’t know” Shannon replied as he turned to face the man sitting behind him. “I love you Dexter…I really do love you” He assured as he walked forward and fell to his knees before him.

“I know that you do” Dexter replied with a sad smile as he ran his hands though the softness of Shannon’s hair. “I just fear that you love him more”

“I don’t know what I feel anymore” Shannon spoke truthfully, knowing that his time with Dex was quickly coming to a close.

“I think that you do baby” Dex smiled sadly once again as he forced Shannon to look up at him. “I think that you’ve always loved Tomo and no matter how much you might try and fight it…you always will”

“I don’t want to love him” Shannon’s own tears were falling as he clutched at the hands that once used to hold him so warm and tender, then they felt almost cold.

“I know that you don’t…but the truth of the matter is that you can’t help who you fall in love with”

“Don’t say that…you make it sound as if you are giving up on us”

“I am…there’s nothing left to fight for any longer Shannon and we both know that. Things have been different from the moment that he re-entered your life and as much as I have tried to fight it…I’ve known all along that Tomo was going to win out in the end”

“No…it’s not over Dex. Tomo hasn’t won shit. I don’t want to be with him. I want to be with you. I love you” Shannon knew that he was clutching at straws but he didn’t care as he lunged forward and pinned Dexter to his chair. “Please baby…don’t leave me. I need you. I love you. I want to marry you”

“It’s been months…” Dex blurted out, pushing Shannon away before getting up off of the chair. “We’ve been engaged for over six months and not once have you ever even brought up setting a date or wedding rings. “I’ve hinted and waited patiently…but all you cared about was the band and Tomo. Its over Shannon and it’s been over for a long time now…it’s time to accept it and let each of us move on”

“Fine…go” Shannon shouted as he walked over towards the door, opening it as he glared at Dexter with such an anger that he wasn’t sure how to control it.

“Shannon…don’t let it end like this” Dexter spoke softly as he picked up his bag and walked slowly towards him.

“Get the fuck out. You want to give up on us so quickly…then fucking leave already” Shannon screamed as he grabbed onto Dexter’s arm before shoving him into the corridor. His anger finally consumed him as he turned it towards the destruction of his hotel room. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed but eventually he was too exhausted to do much of anything but lie on the bed and wish for death to take him. He woke up some time later with Jared lying beside him with a look of concern upon his face. “He told you?” Shannon questioned, swallowing hard at the pain trying to slowly inch its way outward from his body.

“He stopped by my room before he left. Are you ok?” Jared asked, pushing a stray bang off of his older brother’s forehead.

“Peachy…” Was his sarcastic reply as he snuggled deeper into the pillow, wishing Jared would leave him in peace so he could sleep for a couple more hours, days, maybe even weeks.

“He’s right you know” Jared continued to speak. “You can’t help who you fall in love with Shannon and there is no denying that there is still something there between you and Tomo”

“I can’t deal with this right now. Jared please…if you love me…just leave me alone for awhile. I need time to think…to clear my head and then I will come and talk to you. Please…I am begging you” He hated begging, especially to his younger brother but he knew that it would be the only way to get a moments peace. He watched a full range of emotions pass across his brother’s face before he saw understanding and with a kiss upon the forehead and a small nod he was gone.

Once alone he found that his mind couldn’t focus on anything but the kiss that he had shared with Tomo and just how far it would have gone if not for the distraction they had heard behind them. He knew without a doubt that he would have fucked Tomo that night if the circumstances had been different and that alone was enough to send him to the mini bar in another part of his room. Bottle after bottle was ingested as ever so slowly he forgot about Tomo and Dexter and the fucked up situation he was in. Instead he allowed the warmth and kindness of the alcohol to take him to a plain of nothingness. It was a place that made him smile, made him forget that he had such problems but this realm of happiness lasted for only a short while before images of Tomo began to invade his peacefulness. Once again he found himself confronted with what he more then anything wanted to forget. His muddled brain told him to speak his mind, that it would clear all of his demons as he picked up his cell phone and after many tries eventually got through to the root of all his problems. He wasn’t even sure of what he had said, but as he continued to scream into the phone he heard a knock at the door. He wanted to ignore it, but he found his feet stumbling towards it just the same, finding Tomo standing there with a look of pure unhappiness upon his face. “What the fuck are you doing here?” He screamed into the phone, his drunken mind unable to comprehend that he didn’t need the device any longer.

“You’re drunk” Tomo replied instead of giving Shannon an answer he could work with.

“Right you are” He announced rather loudly, the phone still clutched to his ear. “And now I am going to hang up on you and get much drunker” He exclaimed, trying to figure out what button to push to end the call, tossing the phone to Tomo instead when he found he couldn’t. Turning away he went once again to the mini bar, cursing to himself when he found it empty of anything but bottled water and juice.

“Shannon…” Tomo spoke cautiously as he entered the room, tossing the phone on a nearby table, before walking over towards him.

“What the fuck are you doing here? I just hung up on you. Get out…get the fuck out” He protested as he grabbed onto Tomo’s arms and tried to move the unmovable man.

“I’m here to take care of you Shannon” Tomo responded softly, staring into Shannon’s eyes with chocolate orbs glimmering with unshed tears and what he thought might be guilt.

“Take care of me” He scoffed, pushing himself past Tomo before tripping over his own feet, falling on the floor when an attempt to sit upon the bed was hindered. “You are the fucking reason I am in the predicament in the first place” He reminded loudly, slapping Tomo’s hands away when he tried to assist him off of the floor. “You had to come back into my life and fuck everything up. Dex and I were happy. We were in love and you couldn’t just leave us be. No…” His words got louder and more slurred as he finally pulled himself up enough to slide onto the bed. “You had to confuse me with your words of love…but I don’t fucking love you Tomo” He pointed at the tearful Croatian accusingly, smiling evilly at the pained look upon his face. “I hate you in ways you can never even begin to imagine” Shannon went on; enjoying the way Tomo’s pain seemed to be taking some of his away. “I’ve told you this before and I fucking mean it this time. I don’t love you. I won’t love you…EVER” He screamed at the top of his lungs, the power of the words taking everything from him as he fell backwards and passed out cold.

It was then that Tomo finally realized that any chance he ever had with Shannon was over. He knew that no matter how hard he tried to prove to the drummer how much he truly loved him would all be in vain and so he cried. Falling onto the floor before the bed, sobbing his heart out while Shannon snored loudly and oblivious to his pain. He fought the urge to flee from the room and allow Shannon to sleep off his stupor, but fear that something might happen to the man prevented him as he climbed onto the extra empty bed and watched until his exhausted eyes couldn’t watch anymore.

When Shannon woke the next morning he felt as if a steamroller had rolled over his entire body as he literally crawled out of the bed on all fours and into the bathroom. After emptying the contents of his stomach for what seemed like an eternity he forced himself upright and stepped into the shower. His mind kept wandering back to the previous night and everything that had happened. His confrontation with Tomo in the lobby. His break up with Dex, the man he thought he was going to spend the rest of this life with. He didn’t recall much after that, just a few flashes of his falling onto the floor and hurtful words screamed at a tearful Tomo. His heart fell into the pit of his stomach as he recalled just how mean and hateful he had been, guilt building up there as well once he realized he should have been more upset about his break up with Dex instead. “When did my life get so fucked up?” He spoke to the shower wall, laughing with regret when he received no answer. Once his shower was done, he stepped out into the large bathroom, brushing his hair and his teeth before falling heavily onto a nearby chair, laughing to himself because he could never understand why whenever they stayed in the fancier hotels there were always couches or chairs in the bathroom. Thankful just the same he snuggled into the softness, hugging a pillow to his chest as he tried to come up with any sort of ideas to clear up his fucked up life. Nearly asleep, his eyes jerked open when a loud sound could be heard from the other room. Feeling much better after cleaning up, he walked into the bedroom and despite everything what he saw there put a smile upon his face.

“Fuck…” He swore under his breath as he sat on the side of the bed Tomo was sleeping on just taking in the beautiful picture laid out before him. A smile crossed his face at the look of happy contentment that was so easily playing out. He wondered what Tomo was dreaming of and as much as he hated to admit it he hoped he was dreaming of him. His heart dipped a bit, his smile widening even more as he briefly allowed himself to fantasize about what a life with Tomo would be like. He wondered about where they would live, what kind of life they would lead and what it would be like to grow old together. He didn’t dwell on it long as the memories and the pain of the previous years invaded his mind once again. Confusion unlike anything he had ever felt before clouded him when the man lying before him whispered his name while he continued to sleep. Heart and mind waged a bitter battle, but then with Tomo it always did as he tried to convince himself that he could live the remainder of his life with Tomo as only his band mate, possibly his friend. It was a battle that he quickly lost because no matter how hard he tried to fight it, he knew deep within his heart that he would always love the Croatian.  
He loved him; the thought alone put another huge smile upon his face as he leaned forward and gently traced the tips of his fingers around the edge of Tomo’s face. His heart dipped again when even in slumber he leaned into his touch, a sigh of contentment escaping over plump lips as well.

Tomo was having the most wonderful dream. In it he and Shannon were together and in love, living the life he always hoped they could live. There were no lies, no betrayal and hurt and most importantly there was no Dexter. Despite his slumbered state it brought a smile to Tomo’s face as a domestic life played out before him, his smile growing even more as a child was added to the mix making them a true family. The dream was wondrous and everything Tomo ever wanted with Shannon, despite everything that had happened between them in the past. It was perfect and amazing and he wished that he could sleep on forever, but all too quickly the realm of slumber ended and the harsh reality returned as he opened his eyes and found them locked upon stormy eyes of hazel staring back at him. “Shannon…” He whispered fearfully as he pulled himself upwards, leaning against the headboard when Shannon still had yet to speak.

“I don’t want to love you” Shannon spoke, his eyes never once leaving those of Tomo’s. “You’ve hurt me more times then I care to remember” He continued, watching the two simple tears gliding down Tomo’s face as he sat before him, eyes closed and with a look of heartbreak upon his face. “I don’t want to love you Tomo” He replied again, forcing the smile that was threatening to over take him again to stay away.

“I know…” Tomo replied, breathing hitched as his eyes remained closed as he nodded in response.

“But…” Shannon went on, not about to let Tomo suffer anymore. “But I can’t help but love you Tomo” He finally allowed the smile he had been holding back to break through.

“What?” Tomo asked confused as he opened his eyes and found those same hazel eyes gazing at him with such love that it took his breath away.

“I said that I can’t help but love you” Shannon repeated as he reached out and once again began to trace Tomo’s face with the tips of his fingertips. “Jesus Tomo…you’re in my blood…in my heart and no matter how much I might fight it…I know that nothing will ever change that”

“What about Dex?” He asked, fearful of the answer, but needing to hear it just the same.

“I loved Dex…I still love Dex…but even he knew that you can’t help who you fall in love with…who your soul mate is. I love you Tomo and I have for a very long time…no matter how much I might try to deny it”

“Say it again…please” Tomo whispered so softly that Shannon wasn’t even sure that he had heard it, but the pleading in his eyes spoke volumes as he leaned forward and placed the simplest of kisses upon his lips before pulling back. “I love you Tomo”

“I love you too” Tomo rushed out as he wrapped his arms around Shannon’s neck, sobbing upon the broad shoulder, his entire body shaking in fear that he was once again dreaming. “Please tell me that I’m not dreaming Shannon” He asked once he was able to pull away from the warmth of the body before him. “Tell me that this is really real. Tell me…”

Shannon couldn’t help but smile against Tomo’s lips as he grabbed onto the back of Tomo’s head and placed one hell of an earth shattering kiss upon his loves lips. The smile turned serious as he developed a need of his own, pushing Tomo backwards until he was lying on his back, Shannon lying fully on top of him. They made long awaited love that night as they shared of their bodies and their hearts. Afterwards two sweaty and sated bodies clung to each other, talking of memories past and of plans for the future.

“You know Jared is going to have a shit fit when he finds out about us” Tomo smiled as he nuzzled his nose against Shannon’s neck as the drummer held him.

“Finds out about what exactly?” Shannon asked as he pulled away from Tomo so he could look at him.

“That we are together…” He replied, hesitating for a moment as he gazed at Shannon nervously. “We are together…right?”

Shannon wanted to torture and tease Tomo some more but by the look of pure fear that stared back at him; he knew that he better not. “Very much together baby” He smiled as he pulled the guitarist back into his embrace. “And I wouldn’t be so worried about Jared” He continued, kissing him gently upon his forehead.

“Oh?” He murmured, not really caring about Shannon’s answer as strong arms tightened around him even more and the brink of slumber began to surround him.

“He of all people knows that you can’t help who you fall in love with” Shannon murmured against Tomo’s ear as he too fought the urge to fall into the abyss of slumber. He knew that he would have to deal with Dex and the real world eventually, but at that very moment in time as Tomo pressed his naked body even closer against him, he found that the real world could wait. Nothing else mattered right then except being there holding the man that he loved and would always love for as long as he was breathing.

The End…


End file.
